What really *is* sex in Second LIfe?

A friend of mine just recently did a podcast about sex in Second Life and she talks about touring a few 'sex' spots inside Second Life and mentions that she doesn't really 'get' it yet.

I started thinking about how people view sex differently and started to wonder what views and opinions other people have about online and virtual sex.

As you've seen me mention before, I've been part of online communities for years and years now, and even in the simple, plain, non-visual world of IRC chatrooms 'cybersex' was prevalent and 'hookups' were many. Now granted, this was all text-based and didn't have the visual element we have now with Second Life, but that didn't make it any less intense or 'real'. In fact, at times, I think the fact that it was text-based served to make it even more real, and I think that's what makes sex real in Second Life as well.

Sex in Second Life isn't about the poseballs. It's not about teleporting into a fetish dungeon and saying 'yes' to the first IM you get and then hopping into a sex animation with that person. That.. in my opinion.. is roleplaying and not 'sex'. The sex you can *see* in Second Life, isn't the real stuff, or the powerful stuff. The real sex in Second Life is happening behind the scenes.. in private homes, and in IM conversations. Just like in text-based chatrooms, the hookups, cybersex, and relationships are happening in a place not visible to the public.

I've had several people ask me, at times in a very condescending way.. if I think online sex is 'real'. I really love being asked that question when you know they already have their mind made up and will chastise you for whatever you say, even though they have no personal experience on which to base their rationale. Hopping on a poseball to have animated or simulated sex is as real as anything else you choose to do. This does mean, however, that I think all 'sex' in Second Life is based on emotional connection. It's not - not by a long shot. So what's real for you might not be real to someone else, and vice versa.

Second Life is a lot of things to a lot of people. There is very real 'sex' happening there, and very real relationships - intense, powerful, heart-breaking relationships. Just because you think it looks 'silly' to see people on poseballs in the middle of a 'free sex' room doesn't mean there aren't other people experiencing some very significant, life-changing relationships the next sim over.

-xopixox

virtually broken hearts

I've seen more and more couples in SL lately trying to work through 'issues' that arise in spaces like Second Life. All the experiences I observe and hear about seem so similar in some ways, but always unique in others.

I know that some people don't 'get' online communities and just can't grasp how anything in them could be 'real'. I've had people tell me time and time again that 'sex with a cartoon' just doesn't appeal to them and I've gotta say that the idea of having Goofy or Pluto go down on me doesn't really send me to orgasm either, but that's not what SL is about. It's not about the right-clicking and 'sitting' on a poseball to make your avatar go through some pre-planned motion of sexual activity. It's about the private conversations. It's about smiling when you both type the same thing at the same time. It's about making a connection with someone you would have never met in RL, but have now come to have real feelings for because of this virtual space. It's about falling in love.

I've gotta say that over my years of time in online communities, I've fallen in love quite a bit. There are amazing people all over this world and when you think about how borders just fall away in communities like this, isn't amazing that we haven't achieved world peace just from loving each other in virtual worlds.

Inhibitions are lowered, and you're able to be more of 'yourself' in these environments, allowing people to fall in love with who YOU are and not necessarily what you look like, or what job you have, what car you drive, etc. Online communities allow for intense, personal, and extremely real interactions. What this means is that they also allow for intensely real broken hearts at times.

I have been in that situation.. more times than I'd like to think about really. I've thought my world would end, and I've sat in front of the computer glancing at the clock every minute waiting for someone to log on. I've cried myself to sleep over loves that never happened and loves that I wish hadn't happened. I've felt empty when an online lover doesn't sign on, and I've felt the desperation in wanting to take something 'online' into real life. I've felt the nervousness when something does become 'real' for the first time, and I've lived with the pain when it doesn't work out.

For everyone out there that's going through relationship issues with someone you met online, take it from a girl that's been there and listen to me. Work through it, make it happen, do whatever you need to do.. because it's worth it.

I honestly hate that - "Loving and losing is better than never loving at all" - bullshit because sometimes I don't think that's the case. Sometimes I wish I'd never met someone at all instead of meeting them and having them break my heart.. but I do know this. I do know, without a doubt, that I have learned so much about myself through these experiences that I would never give that up in a million years. You change, and grow and become a different person every time and that, my lovelies.. is priceless.

-xopixox

Do *you* think it's real?

I've had some people ask me recently if I think that sex in Second Life (or anywhere else that's considered an 'online' environment - chatrooms, etc) is "real". My emphatic answer was immediately 'yes', but now I'm wondering how other people feel.

My 'online' days started years and years and years ago on IRC (DALnet, woo!) in one little chatroom and let me assure you, there was a lot of sex going on there as well. Second Life is not the first time people have had sex online, despite what some articles may have you think (oooo, people are being unfaithful online! It's the devil himself at work!). Second Life brings a 'visual' to it, that's for sure, but the underlying effect is still the same.

I am personally not the kind of person that can separate their online and offline lives. One is part of the other for me, and I also truly believe that my online identity helped shape the person I've become and also gave me the strength to make some amazingly powerful changes in my life. I've met dozens and dozes of 'online' friends in offline meetings, parties, and get-togethers and every single time I've been amazed at how perfectly at ease I've felt with the person when meeting them for the first time in the 'physical' world. You get to know someone online in very different ways than if you met that person offline. It's as though online environments are some sort of microscope into a person's psyche and it's truly amazing (and in my mind, incredibly fantastic) that you can know so much about a person just from watching the mannerisms of their avatar, their punctuation, or their grammar.

I've met people recently that think it's just 'incredibly interesting' that I meet people offline that I met initially online when to me.. this is just part of who I am and what I've done for years. For the life of me I can't grasp why it's so fascinating or 'weird' to people. With all the ways to meet people online these days- IRC, Second Life, message boards, forums, chatrooms, and God knows how many websites are now dedicated to hooking people up - why is it still so 'weird' to some people?

What about you? Are you the kind of person that can separate your online and offline lives? Have you met people in person that you met online first? Have you felt that incredibly strong connection with someone you've just recently met online? Have you taken online sex into the 'real world'? Or are you one of those people that just think it's 'weird'?

-xopixox

it is not your imagination

I was reading the 2nd Sex Blog by Lillie Yifu and she mentions this posting by Slate talking about infidelity in Second Life.

Lillie's discussed this in her blog post, but I wanted to add my own spin on this as well.

Newsflash here peeps.. Second Life is not the only place where people are being unfaithful. This has been happening for many, many years in online communities. Since those first days of AOL, since bulletin boards and all those games of L.O.R.D. when people started sleeping with the barmaid to earn points, since IRC and chatrooms, and match.com people have been cheating with others, experimenting, and learning more about themselves.

So, let's not blame Second Life. If there's blame to be placed here, then let's blame technology for connecting us with people all over the world that we would never have met without the internet. Let's blame technology for giving us new and exciting ways to learn about sex, and sexual satisfaction. Let's blame technology for allowing us to rethink our perspectives and experiment with our sexuality.

I think it's fantastic that we have these outlets. I don't think it's a bad thing that people are meeting other people and having sex online. I firmly believe that if someone is completely and truly content in their relationships, they won't leave simply because the Gods of technology have placed a gorgeous avatar on their screen who's willing to suck their dick as often and as hard as they want it sucked.

I also think that having these outlets that allow us to experiment and explore our sexuality is a *good* thing. For the life of me I will never understand why people think that being curious, experimenting and learning more about their sexual preferences is a bad thing. It's a GREAT thing. We should be counting our lucky stars that we have the ability to learn and experiment in this environment. No one's getting pregnant, catching an STD or dying from AIDS because they experimented with sex in a virtual environment.

If people are being unfaithful in their first relationships because of someone they met online, then there's more at issue here than an 'imaginary girlfriend' and don't even get me STARTED on whether or not these online relationships are real. They *are* real. There are real feelings, real people, and real passion involved. If you're losing your loved one to someone they met online, then it's time to take a step back, evaluate your relationship and make some hard choices.

-xopixox